I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I think im going to throw up on grandma
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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