She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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