Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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