I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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