I didn't shave. On purpose
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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