it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
