I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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