So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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