please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
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