i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
