i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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