The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
