wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
