Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
