i'm signing you up for texting rehab
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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