my phone needs a breathalizer
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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