I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
