I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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