I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
