I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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