I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
