have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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