cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
