we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
