Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
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I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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