she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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