I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
