yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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