I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Randomize
