My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
