I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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