I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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