Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
