Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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