Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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