I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize