see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
