I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
