No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
