when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
