your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
