There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
