I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
