have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
