I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
