I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
