woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
