you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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