Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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