I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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