Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
