Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
