just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
