Dual....:-)
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
