i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
