My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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