thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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