There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
