FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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