He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
